a bit of frustration

just so much to handle at the moment... and one that is bothering me the most would be the summer coming up. I feel so excited that i really can't wait to get out of school. but then the more i think about summer the more sad i get, because the ppl i'm close with now.. will be all gone... and it's as if i'm spending summer alone. my two best girl friends are gone to hk. all the markville kids too... and like i duno what i'm going to do here.

i talked over stuff with my mom and i know that the chances of me going back to hk is practically almost non-existent. the more i think about it, the more upset i get. i know i'm selfish for wanting so much when i know that it's for the best. i know that my family can't afford it atm... but still i want it so badly. i duno why. i keep telling myself that it's not going to happen, but i still have this hope going on inside of me. hoping that things will change and maybe i can go.. but i know if that happens, then they're just letting me go cuz they 'jou ngo' and. i know i will feel really guilty.

i dunno anymore. i keep thinking back to last year when i was in hk for so long, and there is just so many memories and i can't stop thinking about them. the places i went to, the ppl i hung out with, all the family time and friend time. i can't seem to let go of these things, they bring me back and i keep wanting to 're-live' it... but this is reality. and i know i gota deal with it.

sighz* life is just too much to deal with.

sometimes i wish i can just jump infront of a car and see how things turn out.

but i'm not stupid like that. i know better... still it's depressing.

and i'm listening to depressing music atm >_>'' totally not helping.

anyways.. that's all. just.. gota let the thots run themselves out. i'll get on with life.