a bit of frustration

just so much to handle at the moment... and one that is bothering me the most would be the summer coming up. I feel so excited that i really can't wait to get out of school. but then the more i think about summer the more sad i get, because the ppl i'm close with now.. will be all gone... and it's as if i'm spending summer alone. my two best girl friends are gone to hk. all the markville kids too... and like i duno what i'm going to do here.

i talked over stuff with my mom and i know that the chances of me going back to hk is practically almost non-existent. the more i think about it, the more upset i get. i know i'm selfish for wanting so much when i know that it's for the best. i know that my family can't afford it atm... but still i want it so badly. i duno why. i keep telling myself that it's not going to happen, but i still have this hope going on inside of me. hoping that things will change and maybe i can go.. but i know if that happens, then they're just letting me go cuz they 'jou ngo' and. i know i will feel really guilty.

i dunno anymore. i keep thinking back to last year when i was in hk for so long, and there is just so many memories and i can't stop thinking about them. the places i went to, the ppl i hung out with, all the family time and friend time. i can't seem to let go of these things, they bring me back and i keep wanting to 're-live' it... but this is reality. and i know i gota deal with it.

sighz* life is just too much to deal with.

sometimes i wish i can just jump infront of a car and see how things turn out.

but i'm not stupid like that. i know better... still it's depressing.

and i'm listening to depressing music atm >_>'' totally not helping.

anyways.. that's all. just.. gota let the thots run themselves out. i'll get on with life.

now i look back, and i still can't help but giggle whenever i read those emails. that thing we had, that connection, it was something that we might never have again. but our friendship is more than enough right now :) to know that we are both happy is just too cool. I won't regret missing that chance because i would rather have what we have now then have what we could have had.. tho it would have been nice. i love this now.
I hope that we'll continue to be great friends, close friends :) special budz for a lifetime. cuz this friendship will last, i know it. we're gonna remain tight ^^ that's a promise to me, and to you.

exams are coming up, and it's a bit stressful :) but you know what. i have faith, we'll all be able to deal with it. good luck everyone~!

"Not what i will, but what you will."

Mark 14:36

Is it what i will...what i want to do...

or is it what God intends for me to do?

The Way

God sent me on when i would stay

('Twas cool within the wood);

I did not know the reason why.

I heard a boulder crashing by

' Cross my path where I had stood

He had me stay when I would go;

"Your will be done," I said.

They found one day at early dawn,

Across the way I would have gone,

A serpent with a mangled head/

I ask no more the reason why,

Although I may not see

The path ahead, His way I go;

For though I know not, He does know,

And He will choose the safe paths for me.

it's been forever since i posted.. but i need to talk, get some stuff out.

lately.. iunno, i've been feeling so lonely. so.. empty, like there's no one there. no one to talk to.. i feel as if all my friends have vanished and i'm looking at myself in the mirror. re-evaluating myself, re-evaluating my life. on sunday, there was a sermon about choosing friends..and being a friend. and i've decided.. after seeing the way i treat ppl, and the way ppl treat me.. who i am, and who are the people that will help me to seek after God's heart.

to my close friends.. i've been treating them so bad lately. those friends that are true to me. the ones that care for real, the ones that've stood by me for a long while now. and i'm really sorry.. that i've been a bad friend. a reckless friend. i've been drifting bak and forth from group to group, try to make myself seem special. haha.
how self-centered. "me"... i'm growing to hate me more and more everyday. who i am. i need to change, i know that. i want to be a person.. who seeks after God's heart.. and to do that, i need to pursue with an honest heart... a fair heart. one that shouldn't be concentrating on worldly needs but one that feeds off of God's words.

baptism is coming up soon. i guess, it's amazing now that i think about it.. that God has given me this opportunity to see what i am. how i am in this current life of mine. giving me a chance to think about the things i do.

i pray that i'll be able to do the right things now. to know the difference between true friends, and friends that will lead me astray.
:) that's all. byebye.

i duno what's wrong with me lately.. but i just dont like me. the fact that i'm like this...all emo and stuff. when i see myself.. i feel fat. when i see myself.. i don't recognize me. it just makes me wonder who i've become. and the more i think about it.. i would hate to meet someone like me... which brings me to the point that .. i don't like myself.

i feel so empty,
so useless,
so pathetic.

i'm all alone with no one to lean on for real. i feel like i need to cry out loud and just sob my stupid tears away. i wish trai and ingiee were here, back from their trip. i wish calvun was here so at least i know that he's here to give me some advice and just talk to me. these are the top three people that i miss the most at the moment. and just the ppl i really need here for me, cuz i'm tired, broken and beaten down. i feel worn out and sinful.

those that are important.. s and b. they're not someone i can rely on. cuz i don't think they understand. i dun think they can make my day better.. cuz they already can't.

i'm sorry.
i don't know what's wrong with me.
sorry.
sorry.
sorry.

























save. me.
from. me.

blog is messed up =(

lately, vivian has been sick with the flu =( but she hasn't blogged in a long time so she's gonna now. and she's also gonna stop referring to herself in third person =_=''

okay. so on friday, ingiee justin and i hit pmall. haha mainly walked and talked and sat..cuz i wasn't feeling that good ><'' then we ran into jess, angela c, bryan, and sampson. but then i got really really sick so i went home T^T
turns out i have the flu... pooey.
bleehh. so much for the awesome long weekend. i had to cancel shopping with ingrid and trai on saturday too =(( zomg. how gay. and i didn't get to go to church ><''
poor jenny too~! =( we both caught the fluuuu T^T wahhhh

oh yea. i still need a dress for semi~! o_o'' and i still need MONEY for the semi. LMAO. i'm so broke it's sad =(

anyhoos, i hope i get betterrr, i hope jenny gets better, and nate, and jess and jamjam too~! =] <3
lots of love to everyone~! hope i didn't give you the flu ><'' i'm sorry!!

gonna do some hmk now =] laterzz.

ps. i hope angela *kwok* feels better soon.. in love life and in health =( i really dun want you being sick huns. to see you sad and broken hearted. there are still plenty of guys out there and i know they might not all be someone like tommy but there is someone out there for you <3>

pss. i also hope that lawrence ko feels better too. i know recently he has been having many problems like.. family problems, money problems and school problems. and he's caught influenza too.. but i just want him to know that there are plenty of friends that are all supporting him and if he needs to talk or just to rely on we'll always be there for him. Stay strong lawrence~!!!!!!

psss. I love trai and ing~! <33

YAY HAPPY BDAY TO INGIEEBOOO <3

lmao. yesterday was totally super duperly awesome =] i hope ingrid had a blast, cuz i'm pretty sure everyone did. haha. sing k was okay lah... everyone was like "whoa, ryan sings really good" cuz then like.. even when he sings english songs, his voice does not sound asian at all. hahaha. ivan sings pretty well too. not that bad. and we all know alvin sings good already. so no need to comment on that =] haha. ooohhh man. yesterday when alvin yelled at me on the phone for not having told him to buy plates and forks... i got so scared of him. - -v and that's when i realized how sensitive i am to ppl being mad. i get afraid of them. so i went and got those plates and forks right away. we (trai and i) saw mike's ex.. but she didn see us ^^'' and then we ran into gladys, her bf, and carmen.. it was kinda awkward. lmao. then i found those plates and forks and bought them. after that i just avoided talking to alvin. but he and ingiee were kinda off in their little world sometimes during sing k. haha how cute =]. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. yayayayayayaya~! ingiee is seventeen~!!!!!!!

hahaha. i hope she loved her bday..cuz even tho it wasn't exactly planned to every detail, it still worked out pretty well. i honesstly hope she had a blast. =] don't forget to post up the pictures~! kekeke.

so today, is the party for calvun's bdayyy =] yars to that.. but i'm exhausted.....like literally. the max hours i've been gettin is like 8 hours of sleep.. i want to sleep more but i can't for some reason and now my eye is KILLING ME =( boohoo. i hope i don't stay out too late, cuz yesterday my dad was like.. COME HOME SOON. and i was like.. later seen lah. = =v i'm a bad daughter. but i apologized to him ><"" so hopefully he won't be mad today =]

oh yeaa.. lmao at East Side Marios for dinner.. that was completely jokes. haha so i shall talk about it. basically we all came in and we squeeshed three ppl on each side of the table. of course, the two lovely couples on the inside and the singles on the outside.. which would be me and ryan. lmao. ryan and i were like, let's build a wall with our menus to block them off >: ) buwahaha. lmao. i couldn't afford much.. so i just had $4.00 worth of soup ^^'' the soup came in like the thinnest bowls ever. haha ivan was like, "excuse me, is this the dish you usually use to serve soup in?" "yes" "oh okay." "why?" "cuz i thot they were dishes" LMAO. poor waitress. we were being all rude and stuff. =] haha also, the funny thing was that one soup only had two meatballs, one soup didn't have any veggies, and one soup didn't have any noodles. lmao. and we had all ordered the same soup. ^^'' anyhoos, you could ask for another plate of soup if you had a combo. since mine was not a combo, i drank my slowly. but ryan was awesome and ordered a refill of his for me. haha except it came in like a gravy cup. LMAO. ryan and i were like "..... XDDDD" lmao. and then after i drank it, he was like another soup please~! but ingrid was feeding me already =D (fanq best buddie >3<) and i was like.. no more soup T^T. but then the lady came back and was like, there are no more italian wedding soups. so i was like.. no soup~! =] but thanks anyways ryan. haha, dinner was so jokes. so many rude jokes on being mean to the waiters, but we didnt do it. we also got the ppl at East Side Marios, to sing for ingieeboo. =] hehehe. so we finished eattin and we were deciding where to go.... but we decided to stay there. it was uberly funny. lmao. it was basically like "jeun moon yun" where we had to sing this thingy a bob that i just cant' remember, haha but anyways, we had to like name things from different topics. we were all playing until ivan was like the topic is "what would you say, if your bf/gf caught you cheating in bed with someone else" haha ryan and i were like. we're out. we're single and we dun have one =( . so we just watched. after awhile, we started throwing candy at each other - -v. we made a hole with our hands, and you had the throw the candy throu it. haha. i was able to get it into this small hole ryan made, and he was like "EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS" and then after that i kept missing.. LMAO. poor him, i think i embarrassed him =] oops. hahah. but yes, we ended up loosing all the candy. and we drowned one in ingrid's cup =] sorry ingrid ><'' lmao. we stayed till like, the people were packing up the place 8) oops. haha and then we hung out at the front entrance for awhile to wait for my daddy to come, =] thank you. haha. i feel so bothersome at time = ='''' sorrie ppl. and then we were doing all these "tricks" haha it was funny.

oh yea. ivan kept doing this really funny thing. hahaha. =] he's so pro at it. his "finger on his lips" thingy a bob. =] haha i kept laughin everytime i saw him do it. harharharharh =]

anyhoo. that was a totally lovely and awesome DAY.

HAPPY SWEET SEVENTEEN HUNS~!